I can’ get it off my mind. I think about the love I have for my family, the love I have for Colin and Maren who don’t know the Lord. I think about the love I will one day give to my husband, and the love of God (that one blows my mind). it seems like this topic is everywhere I turn. Everyone is talking about it, wanting it, trying to explain it, analyze it, capture it. I see it in the plot of every movie! Why can’t I get away from it? I just want to give my thoughts a break.
Well, love is the essence of God. God is love. It is not a characteristic of him, Love is God. The two words are connected completely. So, I know this and it makes sense. Since August and probably before that, my eyes have been opened to the amazing heart of Father God. His love for me is constant, consistent and most importantly not based on my effort, talent or anything for that matter. His love for me is the same as it was yesterday, today and forever. I can never do anything that will make him love me more or make him love me less. He loves me not because of who I am or what I have done, but because of who He is. That is AMAZING. Our whole world is all about what you can amount to and how hard you work. You have to earn everything. Nothing is given for free and grace is hardly seen. So God’s love blows every mindset and perception out of the water.
I get that… That is not what is hard.
What is so difficult is that I am called to love like that. And when I can’t love like that, I don’t want his love either… It seems so complicated :/ And then when I was thinking about how great, unending, powerful…. (I could go on forever), God’s love is, I realized that that same love would pour out of me for my husband. Even writing that down makes me nervous and gives me butterflies. As I think about all of this the only think that explains why I feel so nervous is fear.
And fear is not of God nor does it come from him because perfect love casts out all fear. What do i do?
I am afraid to love. I am afraid I will get hurt again, or worse, someone will actually see my true heart and like me. It all seems so silly and illogical and, well, against what I really want. I really do want people to see my true heart and love me for who i am. How do I get past this wall? How do I tear down this wall that makes me fear? I need God’s perfect love to cast out this fear. Love is risky because you give of yourself, open you heart and become vulnerable. But the outcome to me seems worth the risk…. I mean Jesus did it for all of mankind when he died on the cross and people rejected him then as they still do today. Could I risk to love, too?
Jesus help me love like you love me.
Love December 21, 2009
the unthinkable April 16, 2008
My worst fear came true!!! I had believed for a period of time that certain people avoided me. Or that they had better people to hang out with. That they didn’t want to hang out with me because I wasn’t good enough. I felt like they were striving for better and I wasn’t considered better. It reinforced my fear or rejection and unworthiness. But it is a bunch of bologna****
For some time I had believed this. I perceived every action to be another stab at my heart (when i know they were totally oblivious). But God was really speaking to me. For too long I had lived in that mindset. I believed everyone should magically know how I felt and what they were doing was hurting me. But life doesn’t work that way. We have to communicate. So God speaks in his amazing ways and tells me to trust him. “Even if they are doing it on purpose, will you trust me?” “Do you love me and trust that I love you unconditionally?” I heard these things and sunk. They were truth. I was letting others define me. I cared about what others thought of me more than i cared what Jesus thought of me (which is so much more INCREDIBLE than any opinion of man, no offense to anyone). So God helped me let it go and trust that he had the best in mind.
I was believing lies, and I had to face them right in the face. Every time I thought about them, I had to combat them with scripture. “I am the daughter of the King of Kings. He loves me with an everlasting love. Through Christ I am acceptable to the beloved and he bestowed grace upon me. Praise be to the Lord of hosts.” It wasn’t always easy; I failed many times, believing the same old lies. I still sometimes forget my identity in Christ.
Ok so then, what I was thinking really was true. Some people did not want to hang with me. But regardless, through it all, God changed my heart. Even what the enemy tried to use to take me out, didn’t work. I have victory in Christ. It blows my mind to think that it was actually true because most of the time, we perceive things WAY wrong.
THANK YOU JESUS FOR PROTECTING ME!!!!!!!!
I still love these people. I could never push them away. They are placed by God in my life. 
