I can’ get it off my mind. I think about the love I have for my family, the love I have for Colin and Maren who don’t know the Lord. I think about the love I will one day give to my husband, and the love of God (that one blows my mind). it seems like this topic is everywhere I turn. Everyone is talking about it, wanting it, trying to explain it, analyze it, capture it. I see it in the plot of every movie! Why can’t I get away from it? I just want to give my thoughts a break.
Well, love is the essence of God. God is love. It is not a characteristic of him, Love is God. The two words are connected completely. So, I know this and it makes sense. Since August and probably before that, my eyes have been opened to the amazing heart of Father God. His love for me is constant, consistent and most importantly not based on my effort, talent or anything for that matter. His love for me is the same as it was yesterday, today and forever. I can never do anything that will make him love me more or make him love me less. He loves me not because of who I am or what I have done, but because of who He is. That is AMAZING. Our whole world is all about what you can amount to and how hard you work. You have to earn everything. Nothing is given for free and grace is hardly seen. So God’s love blows every mindset and perception out of the water.
I get that… That is not what is hard.
What is so difficult is that I am called to love like that. And when I can’t love like that, I don’t want his love either… It seems so complicated :/ And then when I was thinking about how great, unending, powerful…. (I could go on forever), God’s love is, I realized that that same love would pour out of me for my husband. Even writing that down makes me nervous and gives me butterflies. As I think about all of this the only think that explains why I feel so nervous is fear.
And fear is not of God nor does it come from him because perfect love casts out all fear. What do i do?
I am afraid to love. I am afraid I will get hurt again, or worse, someone will actually see my true heart and like me. It all seems so silly and illogical and, well, against what I really want. I really do want people to see my true heart and love me for who i am. How do I get past this wall? How do I tear down this wall that makes me fear? I need God’s perfect love to cast out this fear. Love is risky because you give of yourself, open you heart and become vulnerable. But the outcome to me seems worth the risk…. I mean Jesus did it for all of mankind when he died on the cross and people rejected him then as they still do today. Could I risk to love, too?
Jesus help me love like you love me.
Love December 21, 2009
Lessons learned from my egg May 17, 2009
As part of my core growth plan, I have had to carry around an egg with me.
I have learned that relationships are fragile. I have to take care of them and nurture them otherwise they make break. And when they break, what do I do? Some have left the mess untouched. Some have cleaned it up and started new. Some have picked up the pieces and put it together.
What is my responce when i am hurt by a person? Do I give up and leave the relationships broken? Do I pick it up and still hold on to the broken pieces, constantly being reminded of the hurt? Do I start over a pretend nothing happened? This is my response: I do start over, but I do not pretend like nothing happened. I forgive the person and move on. That is hard to do when your want vengance and someone to pay for the hurt and pain your feel. Isn’t that natural? I have even felt that it is unfair for me to forgive but still have to deal with the pain that others have inflicted on me. But those feelings are the desires of the flesh. If we forgive, we open the door for Christ to bring healing to our soul. It doesn’t make sense in the natural. But living by the Spirit doesn’t make sense according to the natural.
Whole relationships take diligence. A relationship may come on accident but it won’t stay whole if I am not diligent to nurture it. In order to take care of an egg, you have to pay great attention to detail. i cannot neglect it or treat is harshly at any time. We can all have realtionships, but without love, care, diligence, they won’t be whole and healthy. My whole core can have an egg, but is your egg whole, uncracked? This challenges me to strive for a healthy relationship. I know that because of our human nature, accidents will happen. We will fail people and hurt them. But when I strive to love like Christ, the hurts heal easier.
It was very interesting, because I had to carry two eggs on Tuesday. Many people looked at me funny. And I couldn’t say anything because I could only talk to my core. One was for core and one was for MA Roads. It took lots of work to nurture two eggs. Nothing happened to the eggs during the day. Somehow I managed to keep them unharmed. :)
I still have about a 4 days to carry my egg. I hope I learn more by carrying this egg. 
Loving my Core May 17, 2009
On Monday night my core advisor rolled out a Core growth plan. She feels that as a Core we need to learn how to love one another. I totally agree with her in this decision.
1 John 4:7-8 “Dear Friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love is not of God and does not k now God, for God is love.”
John 15:13 “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.”
Psalm 133:1 “How good and pleasant is it when brothers live together in unity!”
This past week we have had to eat all meals together, be together from 8-10pm, carry an egg around (the egg symbolizes our core), have our quiet time togethers and only talk to each other. All of these activities are meant to draw us closer together as a core and teach us how to love one another.
It has been so hard to love them at times. People have attitudes and disrespect you. Sometimes I feel like they don’t deserve my love. But how wrong is that! I didn’t deserve God’s love, but God gave it to me anyway. So I am learning how to not be led by my emotions.
It has also been difficult to love them because I feel like they do not love me back. At times I have had my own attitude about things we have to do because my core isn’t doing it with their whole heart. I feel I am justified to have a sour attitude. My reasoning is that since they aren’t loving, then I don’t have to love them. But I am proven wrong, again. My motiviation for loving shouldn’t be because I am going to be loved back. I have no guarentee of that. My motivation for loving should be because God has loved me, I am going to love others. Jesus is my example of love.
