granny May 12, 2008

i am all up in the air. there are so many things going on in my head. I am not sure how to handle all of them. I am so glad school is done for the semester. that is one less pressure and responsibility on my shoulders. But i feel like as one was removed two more were added. Or maybe the new one feels heavier.

As i have stood by my granny, it has been difficult but encouraging in mysterious ways. I read her the scriptures to encourage her and keep her spirits high. For a broken body can press on with high spirits but with broken spirit who can continue on? So I read her the scriptures when I can. it has encouraged me so much. By reading to her I have increased my faith. For faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I am delighted by it. In mysterious ways I am stronger. yet i don’t feel it yet. I do not know where to turn.

And then my heart is turning. I love her so much. I want to see her raised and healed, completely whole. yet the time has to come at some point. i don’t know when God will take her home, only he knows. Give us all peace father. You are so faithful to not only make her ready, but also to prepare us who are waiting and watching and living on. And then there are other matters of the heart which turn me in circles. I cannot say them for they would bring no good to publish online for just anyone to read about.

My life is not an open book in some respects. But then again, it is. I am coming to know myself a little bit better everyday by the grace of God.

Salmon February 21, 2008

Sometimes God is just so real and in my face. How can I ignore him when I hear him speaking to me directly? This past week has been especially hard for me. I feel like I am lost, going in circles. It’s like, “I’ve been here before.” So what am I doing here again? Am I moving forward, or taking steps backwards?

I know I am not going backwards. If I was, I would be in a bigger mess of messiness. Thank God he has delivered me from self-pity, low self esteem, rejection, loneliness, heartache, doubt, etc…. Its all there. God has shown me that just because I am not moving forward to the next step doesn’t mean I am losing what he has taught me and I have gained. I may be stopped at a point so he can speak in greater depths. I can’t always be moving liking lightening. Then He wouldn’t be able to change my heart and my character. It’s okay to take a rest, slow down, enjoy the moment.

I am at a point where God has stopped me from passing by and ignoring the deeper issues. For so long I have ignored my broken heart. There are so many things I kept so locked up, safely locked away from anyone’s reach, sometimes, even my own. And now God, in his gentle, mysterious way, is drawing them out. Oh how it hurts to have wounds reopened, but oh how great to have the healing waters poured over. At the moment, I really want to shut down again and close the gate, lock every door and run! But I cannot…… I feel at peace in the midst of this messiness. This is where I am supposed to be.

Push through and see the fruit of the labor. My Pastor has talked about us being salmon in his past two sermons. Salmon are silly fish who swim upstream against the current. There must be something wrong with them!! It would be easier to go with the flow and lay your eggs downstream. BUT NO. They persist on struggling upstream. When they finally reach the goal and lay their eggs, they die. All that work and now they lay to rest. I love how my pastor put it. We ,as Christians, should be swimming upstream in our walk with God and through life. We face struggles everyday. But in the end we are made stronger because we die, die to our flesh. We die to our flesh and become more like Christ. Our lives are buried in Christs. We are found in him. I love it!

I am in that place of struggling to fight the current, to continue traveling upstream, against the current. Against the current of conformity to this world and the self desires of me.

Thank you father for guiding me upstream towards you.

My last words are, “I am glad to be a salmon.”